i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Text me some of your sweat
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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