Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
