She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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