I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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