You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
