I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
