oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
