Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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