you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
