im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
