Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
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