My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
