I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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