We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
