Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I need to wash the frat house off of me
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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