who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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