What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
