he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
