I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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