I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
