and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
