just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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