i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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