Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
