I murdered the dance floor call the cops
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
