Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
