I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
A+ Viking dick
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
