He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
