Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
