Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
