I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
