life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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