You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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