Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
