I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
