Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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