apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
