We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
