You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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