I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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