On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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