There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
