oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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