hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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