Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
