I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
