i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
