I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
