Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
