Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize
