Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
